We’ve left my five chosen values behind and these are getting trickier to write. I feel like we’re back at the beginning again writing about “Wealth” or “Social Recognition”. I feel awkward and ham-fisted. Because indeed I am, and anyway, we are very near the beginning again because as I’ve said before these values are arranged in a great wheel; spoiler alert, the last card in the series is #57, A sense of belonging, (feeling that others care about me), which is, if you think about it, strikingly connected to card #1, Social Power, (control over others, dominance). Let the circle be unbroken.
Let’s DO THIS.
This card is moderation, the photo for which I took on the backdrop of a box of my favorite commercially produced shortbreads, Walkers. I will, left to my own devices, eat this entire box in one sitting. Cup of coffee, nervously read the news, I’ll blow right through them.
Some of these cards feel made just for me because I guess I was really made for them. Some of these cards are so difficult for me to get my head around as to be laughable. I laugh at this card. I snort, snicker. I LOL.
I am not naturally moderate. I am naturally obsessive. I am positively addictive in ways. I must be mindful of the vices I allow a foothold in my life lest they take me over completely. And sometimes they do. Sometimes they do.
I have discussed some of these things here in these essays; To my great disgust I smoked cigarettes. I will drink Spindrift, (Island Punch if you’re feeling gifty), until my blood is carbonated. I am currently obsessed with these essays and I am more than a little nervous about what might come next, once I do reach card #57. Where is #58? What will I do? It’s actually not a small anxiety in my life. I feel them coming to an end and I’m already sad.
I am also full throated in my love and my care for people. I am not moderate in my fondnesses. I have, on more than one occasion, utterly overwhelmed someone with the depth of my affections for them. It’s too much! They haven’t felt they’ve earned it! But it’s honest and it’s true. If I decide I like you there’s little you can do to keep me from liking you.
On my road to 200+ values exercises I have written, let’s say, 175 absurdly long text messages. I overwhelm people with my words, I overwhelm them with intended-kindnesses that can even, I imagine, seem disingenuous. I love people as I’d like to be loved. Immoderately.
Is there time in this life for moderation? I guess I don’t really know if I believe there is; not in relationship to people, to loving them and liking them and vying for them. There’s not enough time to love people as much as I’d like to. Why measure out my love as if there is some hard limit on the amount I have? I have not reached it yet, and I don’t imagine I will.
I am also sometimes immoderate in my rage. This, we’ve discussed as well. Try calling my children names! Disrespect my wife, be needlessly unkind to my friends. I’ll have a difficult time moderating my response to you, and it will not be laden with kindness.
Is there time in this life for moderation? I guess I still don’t really know, not when it comes to the defense of the weak or the loved or the defenseless. I defend people as I wish I’d been defended at various times in my past; viciously and thoroughly. Immoderately.
So. Moderation. Is it worth even pursuing?
Well, yes, probably so. Because in my immoderate justice-rage there is very often collateral damage, and anyway, it’s not always righteous in its origins.
Sometimes I am caught in a shameful situation and I react badly. I react in a way that feels taken over and I’ll fight with someone for no reason, over nothing, for too long. There is value in the pursuit of moderation. I have admitted to the capacity for dishonesty. It is a terrible feeling to be caught in a lie–a feeling I know. It’s a kind of a self-wounding to wound someone else that way. A double edged sword by which we’re all sliced way open, our insides showing. And to respond immoderately in that place of pain is damaging for those around me.
I smoked cigarettes. At one point I drank too much beer. I eat shortbreads like pacman. Nom nom nom.
Forget about keeping a bag of gummy worms in the middle console of the car. Those things are gone. Yesterday.
These displays of my great lack of moderation catch up with me. Sometimes quickly like the distance and sadness I feel between me and a friend when I’ve been unreasonable. And sometimes they’re longer term. Will I pay the big price for my smoking? Will I develop diabetes as is a hereditary potential for me?
Will my relationships with those I’ve perceived as wrong doers ever recover? Can they really be that bad? And what of my family? If I’m not careful I make unilateral decisions about who we do and do not relate to based on my immoderate judgments.
How then shall we live? Moderation in all things, friends! Even in moderation. The answer I think, for me, is discipline in my proclivities. Mindfulness of my tendencies. I can grow! I can change! I can become a better version of myself by observing my values and rejecting the things I find to be harmful.
I can be justifiably angry and not wound others unnecessarily in my anger. I can be mindful of the collateral damage I cause. I can choose peace instead of violence. I can decide not to always choose the path of extremes. I can choose a moderate, measured response and I can enjoy the benefits and rewards.
Like the last essay on humility, perhaps, for me, it’s not really about moderating myself in relation to anyone else, but simply about moderating myself. Full stop. Being willing to hold things in my hand and prioritize my responses to them.
I can rage for injustice! I can make room on the bench even if it means using my weight to shove some boorish inconsiderate oaf off the other end. But I must always be aware. Mindful of the boor as well as the weaker one. I can be aware of how my actions and words and responses will affect the whole group in a situation.
